Better Than Any Antidepressant
The Day I Woke Up Drowning
Never ending bills. My contract’s ending soon. M is going to college soon. I don’t even want to think of the emotions that come with that right now. I’m getting old. I don’t want to die with regret. I feel like I’m running out of time. Time to stop being a failure. Time to be relaxed, not always in control…just time to be. I’ve started taking an antidepressant, but I’m not sure I like it. My blood pressure’s high. Everything feels like too much. I just feel overwhelmed. A failure. Period.
So that’s my little bitch session. Woe is me. And then—I decided, screw the antidepressant for the day. I’m in Portland with M. She competed yesterday, and we had a free day ahead of us. So I said, "Let’s go to the coast.”… She said “Yeah!”...and off we go. I miss being spontaneous.
White-Knuckled but Free
We got in the car and took the road toward Tillamook. As we climbed the mountain, a sign flashed: “Chains or traction tires required.” I didn’t have either. I kept going.
Snow began to dust the road. The speed limit was 55—I stuck to 40. Big trucks loomed behind us. I pulled over a few times to let them pass. I could tell M was nervous. I was too. But I decided to focus on the snow-covered trees, the silence of winter all around us. It started sleeting. I thought about turning back. But the temp was above freezing—barely. I figured we’d be okay. We stopped once to take a few photos. No cell service.
No GPS. Just the road and whatever was coming. The traction warning light kept flashing…
Not knowing how much more of this road we had left helped bump up the anxiety. I hate this feeling. It’s not something I always had - at least not this bad. After a few more tailgating trucks, we started to head downhill. Still kept it at 40 and kept pulling over…but eventually, the road straightened, and the snow turned to drizzle… Service came back. We exhaled.
As we walked into the Tillamook Creamery visitor center, I heard a dad say to his kid, “That was white-knuckling it…”. I laughed. Not just me then.
Magic on the Coast
From Tillamook, we drove up the coast, passing small towns, stopping often just to soak in the raw, astonishing beauty. The Oregon coast is something else—wild, rugged, breathtaking. We made our way toward Cannon Beach. On the way, we stopped to walk along the shore just south of town. It was cold and windy, but so worth it. And then, the moment that made the whole trip worth it: my 17-year-old daughter turned to me and said, "I’m satisfied, Daddy.”….
She got the experience she wanted. The perfect selfie, the aesthetic shot, and a new adventure. That’s it. That’s everything. Funny how we crave approval from our kids.
We warmed up with a bowl of clam chowder in town (Not the best, lol), then made our way back. This time we took the 26—another mountain pass. Another adventure.
Conversations That Matter
There was a sign: “Beware of Icy Roads.” I turned to M and said, “I know you saw that.” She just smiled. No service again. I was like, man! We gotta do this again?! To keep her distracted—and maybe me too—I started a conversation. You have to know one thing about me. I’m not good at uncomfortable conversations. But this was one I knew I had to have. I asked her about her goals for the year. She gave me the classic M shrug. So I decided to go first. I told her that one of my goals this year is to work on my depression. That I’d started antidepressants. That I was also exploring other options. I told her I wanted her to know what I was going through—and that if she ever felt that way, it’s okay to get help.
She looked surprised. "I didn’t even notice you were depressed" she said. I told her I hide it well. She did a Munya smile.
She shared that some of her friends take medication too. Then we just started talking…
At some point, she told me about her goals— that she wants to grow her audience. We talked about strategy, about content, about her creative ideas. The conversation flowed. Before we knew it, we were back in Portland.
The Best Day
We met friends for dinner. It was warm and joyful. M was glowing. I saw it—the magic of the day still in her. We ended with Voodoo Donuts. There was a random rave happening on the street nearby—but that’s a story for another day. This was the day that brought me positive energy. It reminded me of connection, beauty, and being present.
And I didn’t even take my antidepressant