Navigating the Midlife Passage
Risky Business. Written and directed by Paul Brickman. The Geffen Company.
Quick Summary
An exploration of what is occurring during the midlife passage, common questions people grapple with during midlife, the challenges and opportunities that midlife presents, how ambition factors into one’s experience of the midlife “reckoning,” negative aspects of ambition, the importance of atelic activities in midlife and identifying what gives you purpose or meaning in the second half of life.
There’s a scene in the 1980s film, Risky Business, that captures how I felt when my face first showed signs of aging. Tom Cruise’s character is trying to stop his father’s Porsche from rolling into Lake Michigan. He frantically tries the locked driver’s side door, then runs in front of the car to try to hold it back and eventually throws himself onto the hood, yelling, “Please, God, no!”
Around this time–when I was about 47 years old–I had a midlife crisis. Now 56, I’m well on the other side of it. But I have come to think life after 50 is distinctly different than life before 50.
New Passages, by Gail Sheehy.
My rocky transition from relative youth to being, looking and feeling “older” made me curious to talk to others about their experience of the midlife passage. (This is the term coined by journalist and bestselling author Gail Sheehy, who released Passages; Predictable Crises of Adult Life in 1976, which was a hit, and later, New Passages; Mapping Your Life Across Time. Though the latter came out in 1996, it is still relevant and relatable. Sheehy is a fantastic writer, and the stories of different men’s and women’s experiences of the midlife passage are both fascinating and heartening. I clung to the book in my darkest moments.) In fact, I was so eager to talk to my peers, I started a podcast, called Gen X at Midlife.
Through the conversations I’ve had there, as well as from my extensive reading and reflection, I’ve developed a good understanding of what is occurring during the midlife passage. I know well the challenges to one’s happiness and the opportunities for growth and greater joy.
Credit: Reputation Today.
A 2008 study by economists David Blanchflower at Dartmouth College and Andrew Oswald at the University of Warwick showed there is a U-shaped curve to human happiness. That is, happiness starts high in young adulthood and falls to a low point occurring on average at around 46 years old, then swings upward again, rising highest in one’s 60s and beyond. (Interestingly, in 2012, primatologists found great apes experience a similar U-shaped curve in happiness.) Since this finding, some scientists have challenged it. But I have yet to meet anyone who did not experience a dip in happiness in midlife.
Though some people experience an existential crisis in their 20s or 30s, I believe actually being closer to the end makes the midlife passage a different, more weighted situation. The changes that occur to one’s physical appearance in the late 40s and early 50s are key to the bigger shift that is occurring. While many people remain relatively youthful looking up until middle age, there comes a turning point at which one’s jawline, chin or neck signals a crossing from youth to, if not “old age,” then “older” age.
Whether or not a late-40-or-early-50-year-old is upset about losing their youthful appearance–to my surprise, some are not–suddenly having a changed face signals the subconscious, if not the conscious mind, that something important has occurred: Time has run out.
Not really, of course. At 50, you might still have 25 years or more left. But feeling like you’re out of time is significant. Because this is the starting point from which a lot of midlife pain stems.
Simultaneously, hormonal changes are occurring for both men and women, affecting one’s drive, competitiveness, level of anxiety, and mood. Children leaving the nest and parents needing caretaking also create change in the middle-aged person’s daily life and outlook.
When my face changed, at age 47, it felt as if a stopwatch had gone off and time to attain my dreams was up. Always very driven, I had spent 30 years working toward that next shining hilltop in the distance. And though I had achieved a lot, I did not yet have the success I’d long envisioned. Even if it weren’t too late to achieve the success I wanted, how would I possibly enjoy it if I was no longer young and attractive? (Each question I grappled with at this time revealed an assumption I didn’t know I held. My assumption in this case: I can’t be happy if I’m not attractive.) This brought up so much anger and sadness, I cried many times over the course of several years as I tried to process and make peace with it.
Reckoning with goals not attained is a hallmark of the midlife experience. My theory is that the more ambitious a person is, the more difficult the midlife reckoning is. Because this kind of person has high expectations for the future and a vivid picture of where they want to end up. Theirs is not a vague idea of success; they know exactly what they want and they’re crushed–and angry!–if/when they don’t get it. Ambition had helped me make three movies. It had fueled me for as long as I could remember. At 50, I was surprised to realize it was the underpinning of my life.
Emotional Clearing, by John Ruskan.
Two books awakened me to the role ambition has played in my life–Emotional Clearing by John Ruskan and The Drama of the Gifted Child by Alice Miller. In his book, Ruskan lists “the ways of self-rejection” and says this about ambition:
“Ambition is one of the most common attributes of the isolated ego. The pain of isolation is felt, and it is assumed that release will come when personal success, wealth, possessions, or fame is acquired. … We become conditioned from childhood to reject ourselves and our present condition, whatever it may be, and to want more.”
That last line, about “rejecting ourselves,” was impactful when I first read it. Previously, I had not understood how ambition made me unhappy. But now it was becoming clearer. I did not love myself as I was, and I would not be satisfied until I had achieved more.
The Drama of the Gifted Child, by Alice Miller.
In her book, Miller describes the child who develops outstanding traits in a bid to be loved and kept safe by a parent who does not acknowledge or meet their needs. The grown child continues to pursue excellence with unexpected results:
“...the son enjoys success and recognition, but these things cannot afford him more than their present value; they cannot fill the old gap. Again, as long as he is able to deny this need with the help of illusion–that is, with the intoxication of success–the old wound cannot heal. Depression leads him close to wounds, but only mourning for what he has missed, missed at the crucial time (in childhood), can lead to real healing.”
“Continuous performance of outstanding achievements may sometimes enable a person to maintain the illusion of the constant attention and availability of his parents… Such a person is usually able to ward off threatening depression with increased displays of brilliance, thereby deceiving both himself and those around him. … Actually, however, that personality has no secure foundation and is dependent on the supporting pillars of success, achievement, ‘strength,’ and above all, the denial of the emotional world of his childhood.”
What I wanted to know is, why did I even have dreams if I would never get to attain them? If dreams just led to heartbreak and disappointment, was it better not to have dreams? If a person doesn’t have dreams, what is the point of their life? This, of course, leads to the biggest question of all:
Why are we here?
There is, of course, no definitive answer to this question.
Going down an existential spiral, I eventually regretted almost every choice I’d ever made in my life. Including ones I’d never even debated before. I was rethinking all of my decisions because I wanted to somehow not end up here.
It isn’t that here was so awful. It’s that it wasn’t what I had pictured. Which is the crux of the midlife crisis. You are waking up to what your life actually is. Whatever fantasy you had about how your life was going to turn out is now dying a hard death. Your suddenly older face is unavoidable evidence that the future has arrived. It’s here, now.
Friends with Money. Written and directed by Nicole Holofcener. Sony Pictures Classics.
Evidence of this awakening is reflected in another question many people ask now: “Is this all there is?” Many struggle with the demoralizing realization that the future likely just holds more of the same thing one is experiencing now. In Nicole Holofcener’s movie Friends with Money, Frances McDormand’s character stops washing her hair. Because she’s tired of doing the same things over and over. And she no longer believes in the power of a new, expensive shampoo to transform her hair.
To me, this is the most challenging aspect of the midlife passage: the dawning awareness that there is no object, achievement or circumstance that will make the future significantly better than the present moment, that will make you happier in any kind of lasting way. This is why both successful people and people who regard their life as a failure experience pain in midlife. Those who have attained success are not excited by the prospect of repeating now-familiar conquests, and those who have not known success must contend with painful feelings around not having done what they would have liked to.
Around 50, there is a growing suspicion that “Life” is not about getting everything you want but instead a series of opportunities to grow on a spiritual level.
The Tools, by Phil Stutz and Barry Michels.
Similar to the comedian patient in Phil Stutz and Barry Michels’ invaluable book, The Tools, I thought the point of life was to get to Easy Street–a place at which I’d be happy, fulfilled and wealthy. (Another never-before-questioned assumption: The point of life is to become as successful as possible.)
After whipping myself to go harder in my career, I am frustrated with myself for not cooperating. Like many people my age, I am questioning whether I want to continue doing what I’ve been doing or try something new.
After so many years in a career, you’ve experienced all the pitfalls. Again, you don’t harbor as many illusions about the future bringing something much better than what you’ve experienced so far. This is probably why many people stop doing whatever it is they’ve been doing for their first career and, around 50, pick a new career (often one in which they’ll be of service). Or, they retire as soon as they can in order to seek new experiences. I’ve noticed an uptick in high school classmates’ travel pic posts on Facebook. A few of my friends are going back to school for master’s degrees. Others have gotten into birdwatching, photography, drawing, tap dancing... When I asked my aunt, a talented artist, why she hasn’t picked up oil painting again, she said, “Why would I do that when I can play pickleball?”
This is a key to aging happily. Choosing atelic activities (ones that don’t have an end point)--things you enjoy doing while you’re doing them, not because they might offer a payoff in the future. Learning new things, acquiring new skills, and exploring topics you’ve always been curious to know more about is, to me, one of the greatest joys of the second half of life. When I set goals now, I do it for the fun I anticipate having along the way. Not because I expect the arrival or achievement to make me happier or more worthy of love than I am today.
For me, now, the ultimate accomplishment is to live in the present and enjoy what is. Often I sit on my back doorstep and listen to the birds singing outside. I like to close my eyes and face the sun, enjoying what the warmth feels like on my face. I admire the trees, their leaves rustling in a breeze. I’m grateful to be alive and am in awe of the natural world around us.
Steve! (Martin) A Documentary in 2 Pieces. Apple TV+.
As a film lover, I can’t help but reference one more movie, Steve! (Martin): A Documentary in 2 Pieces. It helped me articulate the thing that has the most meaning for me at this point in my life. In the film, Martin relays a dream he had. In the dream, he asked how a person dies happy. And the woman he was with in his dream said, “Have adventures.” He said, “You mean travel? See waterfalls and stuff?” “No,” the woman said. “People.”
And that’s what Steve Martin appears to be doing–having adventures with people. Interestingly, my making films is a way to have adventures with people. Until now, I had not focused on that, being instead fixated on the results of my work, not enjoyment of the process.
But as you’ve likely heard by now, studies show our social ties are the biggest indicator of our happiness. And in the happiest places on earth, people spend an average of 6 hours a day in face-to-face interaction. Most of us here in the U.S. spend nowhere near that many hours a day with people. But I think we would be much happier if we did. In his article, “The Anti-Social Century,” journalist Derek Thompson reports people are craving more and more time alone, in part because their internal battery is spent from being so online. The firehose-like stream of updates from others leaves us feeling exhausted and depleted. Our response is to spend yet more time alone, with our screens, which is terrible for us in every way. The antidote, of course, is to get offline and spend time with people.
This is what I am prioritizing in the second half of life. And it feels good.
If you are navigating the midlife passage and would like help with the tougher parts of the journey, therapy for life transitions or coaching might be helpful, too. Get in touch with us to find the right therapist or coach to accompany you on this leg of your journey.
“an insurgency of the soul and overthrow of the ego’s understanding of self and world, and a rather demanding invitation to live more consciously in the second half of life. But first came … the sense that each of them had moved, or better, been pulled, from a familiar environment into some darker wood.”
“‘Up till now,” he said, ‘life has seemed an endless upward slope with nothing but the distant horizon in view. Now suddenly I seem to have reached the crest of the hill, and there stretching ahead is the downward slope with the end of the road in sight—far enough away it’s true—but there is death observably present at the end.’
“What floored me were the existential questions of midlife. …. They are questions of loss and regret, success and failure, the lives you wanted and the life you have. They are questions of mortality, infinitude, of emptiness in the pursuit of projects, whatever they are. Ultimately, they are questions about the temporal structure of human life and the activities that occupy it. ”
FAQs
Q: Does everyone experience a midlife crisis?
A: No. Though most people experience specific challenges as they transition from youth to middle age.
Q: Are there any positives to getting older?
A: Yes. With age, people have a bank of life experience to draw on. Usually they know themselves better and often prioritize what matters to them, spending less time on people and activities they don’t enjoy. Studies show people in their 60s, 70s and beyond are some of the happiest in the population.
Q: How can a life coach help with the midlife passage?
A: A life coach can shine light on both the pitfalls and the possibilities of this often difficult transition, helping the client address painful feelings, overcome inertia, and create a life that excites them.