How do I know if Lisa Chen & Associates is the right fit for me?

We offer a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation. It's a chance to get to know us, understand our approach, and see if we align with your needs. The purpose of an initial consultation is to determine if you are a good fit for working together. You can expect a 15–20 minute conversation where you will have the opportunity to share your concerns, goals, and what you hope to achieve through therapy. This is also a chance for you to ask questions and get a sense of the therapist's approach and personality.

Our fees range from $180 to $350 per 50-minute session based on the clinician's experience, specialized training, and services provided. Lisa Chen's fees are $350 per 50-minute session for both individual and couples counseling. Licensed Client Session fees are $200 for individual and $225 for couples counseling per 50-minute session. Associate Clinician fees are $180 for individual and $200 for couples counseling per 50-minute session. We also reserve spots for clients requesting a sliding-scale rate to accommodate financial needs.

Do you accept insurance?

Lisa Chen & Associates are out-of-network providers. We provide monthly insurance statements ('Superbills') for you to seek partial reimbursement from your insurance company according to your policy. For questions about your out-of-network benefits, please contact your insurance carrier before scheduling.

What is your cancellation policy?

Weekly clients are allowed 3 free cancellations every 6 months, and bi-weekly clients are allowed 2 free cancellations every 6 months, beginning from the date of your first session. You will be responsible for payment for your normally scheduled session time for all cancelled appointments beyond this. Please provide at least 48 hours' notice for cancellations. You may always choose to reschedule and/or take sessions virtually to accommodate occasional scheduling conflicts.

How often should I expect to meet?

We recommend weekly therapy sessions for optimal progress. However, there are times when clients prefer to meet twice a week for more complex challenges. During your initial phone consultation, let us know if you are interested in more frequent sessions.

Are you offering in-person sessions?

Yes, we are seeing clients in our South Bay office located at 2615 Pacific Coast Highway, Suite 326, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. We also offer telehealth sessions for California residents.

How do I get started with counseling?

The first step is to schedule an initial consultation by calling our office or submitting the contact form on our website. This allows us to understand your needs and match you with the best therapist for your situation. From there, we'll work with you to schedule ongoing sessions.

Boundaries, Enmeshment, and Codependency: Why “No” Feels So Dangerous

QUICK SUMMARY

If you’ve ever tried to set a boundary and ended up feeling like the villain, you’re not alone. Boundaries are supposed to protect our time, energy, and nervous system. In reality, especially in enmeshed or codependent relationships, boundaries can trigger panic in the other person and deep guilt in you.

From a psychological and attachment lens, a clear “no” or “I can’t do this anymore” can stir up fears of abandonment, loss of control, and old wounds. The other person may react with anger, guilt-tripping, silent treatment, or emotional withdrawal. You may immediately question yourself, over-explain, or rush to repair.

This doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong. It means you are trying to introduce healthy separation into a system that has survived on over-giving, over-functioning, and emotional blending.

In therapy at Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy in Hermosa Beach, we help high-achieving, highly sensitive adults and couples explore these patterns in depth. We untangle enmeshment and codependency, rebuild a felt sense of safety inside the body, and practice concrete scripts for setting boundaries that honor your needs and your values. To learn more about our work with boundaries, attachment, and complex family dynamics, you can explore the individual and couples therapy pages at www.lisachentherapy.com.

When Boundaries Don’t Go As Planned

Most of us have heard phrases like:
“Boundaries create safety.”
“Healthy relationships respect limits.”
“Your ‘no’ is just as important as your ‘yes.’”

All of that is true. But there is a missing chapter that many people are never warned about:

What happens when you finally set a boundary and the other person retaliates?

You ask a partner to stop raising their voice in arguments and they say, “So now I’m the abusive one?”
You tell a parent you need notice before they drop by and they call you ungrateful.
You tell a friend you can’t be the person they vent to at midnight anymore and they pull away or talk about you to others.

Suddenly, the very thing that was supposed to create safety feels dangerous.

What Healthy Boundaries Are Meant To Do

Healthy boundaries are not punishment. They are a way of saying:

This is what I have capacity for.
This is how I can stay connected to you without burning out or losing myself.
This is where I end and you begin.

Good boundaries:
• Protect your time, energy, and nervous system
• Clarify what is your responsibility and what is not
• Make room for authentic “yes” instead of resentful compliance
• Allow you to show up with more presence instead of chronic resentment

For people who grew up in relatively secure, differentiated families, this idea can feel straightforward. But if you grew up in an enmeshed or codependent environment, boundaries never felt neutral. They felt like betrayal.

Enmeshment, Codependency, and the “Good” Child

Enmeshment is when emotional boundaries are blurred or nonexistent. Everyone feels responsible for everyone else’s moods. Privacy is limited. Saying no is seen as disloyal.

Codependency is when your sense of worth becomes tied to how much you give, fix, caretake, or hold everything together. Your emotional job becomes: keep other people okay so you can feel okay.

In those systems, you often learn:
“If they are upset, I did something wrong.”
“If I say no, I’m selfish.”
“If I have needs, I’m a burden.”

So when you eventually try to set a boundary as an adult, your body reacts as if you’re doing something dangerous. And if the other person retaliates, it can confirm the old story: “See? My needs do cause harm.”

Why People Retaliate When You Set a Boundary

Retaliation rarely means your boundary was inappropriate. It usually means the boundary touched something prickly inside the other person.

Some common patterns:

It feels like rejection or abandonment
Your limit might land in their body as, “You don’t love me,” “I’m losing access to you,” or “You’re pulling away.” If they have their own history of abandonment or emotional neglect, a simple request can feel like a major threat. They may fight, guilt-trip, or collapse into victim mode.

This is especially intense in enmeshed systems, where closeness has been defined as constant availability. Any distance can feel like a breakup, even when you are simply asking for a pause or a change in the pattern.

It threatens their sense of control
In some relationships, people feel safer when they can rely on your automatic yes. When you shift to, “I can’t always answer right away” or “I won’t talk while I’m being yelled at,” they lose the predictability of your over-functioning. Retaliation becomes a way, often unconscious, to push you back into your old role.

It breaks unspoken family or relationship rules
Many families and couples have silent rules:
“We avoid conflict.”
“We always show up, even if it hurts us.”
“You don’t speak up about certain things.”

In codependent or enmeshed dynamics, there is often an unspoken job description: “Your role is to take care of everyone else’s emotions first.” When you change that script, you are not just adjusting one behavior. You are disrupting a whole system that has depended on you staying small.

It touches their unhealed history
Sometimes your boundary wakes up old memories: the parent who suddenly pulled away, the partner who ghosted, the time in life they felt powerless. Their reaction is big because they are not only reacting to you. They are reacting to every previous rupture they never got to process.

What Happens Inside You When They Push Back

When someone responds poorly to your boundary, your nervous system also moves into threat mode. You might notice:

• Anxiety and mental replay: Did I say it wrong? Should I apologize?
• Shame: “I’m a bad daughter, partner, friend, or therapist-in-training for needing this.”
• Fawning: Immediately softening, backtracking, or over-apologizing.
• Hyper-explaining: Long paragraphs trying to justify yourself so they will see you as “good” again.

If you have a history of enmeshment or codependency, this is not a character flaw. It is a survival strategy. As a child, harmony may have meant safety. Appeasement may have been how you stayed connected.

So today, when a loved one is angry or cold after you set a boundary, your body may instinctively try to fix it by abandoning the boundary and abandoning yourself.

Practical Ways To Hold Your Boundary When There Is Backlash

These steps are not about being rigid or uncaring. They are about staying in relationship with yourself while you navigate hard reactions from others.

Reality-check the boundary itself
Ask yourself:
Is this boundary about protecting my well-being, time, or emotional safety?
Is it about what I will or won’t do, rather than controlling their behavior?

If yes, then the boundary is likely appropriate. Their discomfort does not automatically mean you did something wrong.

Say less, more clearly
Enmeshed and codependent systems thrive on over-explaining. You do not have to deliver a TED Talk to justify a limit.

You can try language like:
“I hear that you’re upset. My limit is still the same: I’m not able to talk when voices are raised.”
“I care about you, and I am not available for surprise visits.”
“I’m saying no to this request, not to our relationship.”

Clear, simple statements give the other person less room to argue with your logic.

Name the pattern if it feels safe
If it is safe enough to do so, gently reflect what is happening:

“When I share a boundary and I’m met with anger or guilt, I feel less safe being honest with you.”
“When I try to talk about my limits and the conversation becomes about how terrible I am, it makes it hard to stay close.”

This moves the discussion from “you’re the problem” to “this pattern is hurting both of us.”

Regulate your body before you decide what to do next
You will hold your boundary better if your nervous system has even a little support.

Take a pause.
Breathe slower than you want to.
Feel your feet on the floor or your back against the chair.
Notice: “Part of me is terrified of upsetting them, and another part of me knows I need this boundary to stay well.”

Even a few seconds of grounding can help the codependent part of you not rush to fix everything.

Decide on a protective consequence
A boundary without any consequence is just a wish. The consequence is not about punishing them. It is about protecting you.

Examples:
“If you keep criticizing my boundary, I am going to end this conversation for now.”
“If you continue to show up unannounced, I won’t open the door.”
“If you speak to me in that way, I will need to take some distance for a while.”

You are not controlling their choices. You are choosing how you will respond.

When Retaliation Is a Red Flag

Not every big reaction is abuse. People can struggle with change and still be capable of repair.

However, there are patterns that deserve serious attention:
• You are regularly punished, mocked, or shamed for having limits.
• They ignore your boundaries and say you are “too sensitive” or “crazy” for needing them.
• They use threats, intimidation, or humiliation when you try to pull back.
• They try to isolate you from people who support your boundaries.

In highly enmeshed or codependent relationships, you might be told over and over that your boundaries are selfish, cold, or ungrateful. Over time, this trains you to abandon yourself to keep the peace. A useful question is: “In this relationship, is there room for my needs to exist, or only theirs?”

How Therapy Can Help You Untangle Boundaries and Enmeshment

You are not weak or selfish for wanting boundaries. You are allowed to protect your energy, even if other people do not like it at first.

In therapy, we slow down the pattern:
• The moment you notice resentment building
• The fear that rises when you imagine saying no
• The backlash you receive when you finally do
• The part of you that wants to erase yourself to restore harmony

At Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy in Hermosa Beach, we work with high-achieving individuals, couples, and families who look “fine” from the outside but feel trapped inside unhealthy dynamics. We use attachment-focused, trauma-informed approaches, IFS-informed language, and practical boundary tools to help you build relationships where love does not require self-erasure.

If you are ready to stop walking on eggshells with your boundaries and start feeling safer inside your own life, you can book a consultation through www.lisachentherapy.com.

FAQ SECTION

FAQ 1: Why do some people get so angry when I set a boundary?

For many people, a boundary feels like rejection or abandonment, especially if they grew up in chaotic or enmeshed families. Your “no” can trigger old fears they never resolved. Instead of saying, “I feel scared” or “I feel less important,” they may react with anger, guilt-tripping, or shutting down. Their reaction is often more about their history and nervous system than about your worth or the validity of your limit.

FAQ 2: How do I know if my boundary is healthy or “too much”?

A healthy boundary protects your physical, emotional, or mental well-being and focuses on your own behavior (“what I will or will not do”) instead of trying to control someone else. If your boundary is based on your real limits, communicated as calmly as you can, and aligned with your values, it is likely appropriate. Discomfort, especially in an enmeshed or codependent system, is expected; it does not automatically mean you are asking for too much.

FAQ 3: What if setting boundaries puts my relationship at risk?

Sometimes new boundaries reveal the true health of a relationship. People who care about you may feel hurt or confused at first, but over time they will work with you to find a new balance. If your boundaries are consistently met with punishment, contempt, or manipulation, it is important data. It might be time to get professional support to evaluate whether the relationship is emotionally safe and what you need to protect your long-term well-being.