How to Affair-Proof Your Relationship Using the Gottman Method

QUICK SUMMARY

A practical, research-backed guide to preventing infidelity using principles from the Gottman Method. Learn how trust is built moment by moment, how to strengthen commitment, and the small daily habits that help couples protect their relationship from drifting, disconnect, or betrayal. To deepen your work, couples can schedule therapy with Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy, a Gottman-informed couples practice serving Hermosa Beach, Los Angeles, and all of California.

Most affairs don’t begin with a lack of love. They begin with a lack of attention.

As a couples therapist in Hermosa Beach and Los Angeles, I see a pattern: affairs grow in the space where partners feel misunderstood, unseen, or disconnected. Not because the relationship is doomed, but because emotional needs slowly stop being tended to. Gottman Therapy gives us a map for protecting your relationship long before you find yourself in danger.

Below is a simple, practical, neuroscience-informed guide to keeping your relationship strong, connected, and affair-resistant using Gottman principles.

1. Understand How Affairs Actually Begin

 One of the most important Gottman findings is that affairs grow from emotional disconnection, not opportunity.

They usually begin with:
• A small pull toward someone who offers admiration or ease
• A partner suppressing stress, conflict, or loneliness
• Micro-moments of secrecy or avoidance
• A gradual erosion of trust and transparency

“Affair-proofing is not about surveillance or fear. It’s about building a relationship that feels so connected that neither partner is looking for emotional oxygen elsewhere.”

— Lisa Chen, LMFT Couples Therapist

2. Strengthen Your “Commitment Story”

Gottman research shows that couples who stay faithful have something in common:
 They intentionally tell the story of their relationship in a positive, protective way.

This is your internal commitment script—how you think about your partner when they’re not in the room.

Try asking yourself:
• Why did I choose this person?
• What do I admire about them?
• What obstacles have we overcome together?
• What values anchor our relationship?

A strong commitment story reduces the temptation to idealize people outside your relationship.

3. Build Trust Through Small Moments

 Trust isn’t built in the big promises—it’s built in the micro-interactions.

Gottman calls these “sliding door moments.”

Examples:
• Turning toward your partner when they share something small
• Repairing emotional hurt quickly
• Making your partner feel like their feelings matter
• Being emotionally dependable, not just physically present

Trust is built by the thousands of small yeses to connection.

4. Maintain Clear Boundaries With Others

Most affairs begin with someone who feels “safe,” “easy to talk to,” or “just a friend.”

Gottman couples protect their relationship by having explicit boundaries around emotional closeness with others, especially in these areas:
• Emotional support
• Venting about your partner
• Late-night conversations
• Secrets or hidden communication

You don’t have to police interactions—but you do need shared agreements around what feels safe, respectful, and transparent.

5. Prioritize Emotional Connection Over Conflict Avoidance

The couples most vulnerable to infidelity are not the ones who fight.
 They’re the ones who avoid difficult conversations.

Conflict avoidance creates:

* Emotional distance

* Loneliness inside the relationship

* Unmet needs

* Built-up resentment

Use Gottman-informed communication to stay connected through conflict. Even imperfect conversations are better than silence.

6. Protect Your Relationship From Invisible Erosion

Gottman identifies key risk factors for affairs:
• Complaints turning into criticism
• Chronic withdrawal or stonewalling
• Feeling like roommates
• Unresolved resentments
• Lack of appreciation
• Stress from work or parenting
• Diminished intimacy

Healthy couples don’t wait for these patterns to explode. They address them early—sometimes with the support of a Gottman couples therapist in Hermosa Beach or Los Angeles.

7. Rebuild Commitment Through Shared Meaning

One of the most powerful antidotes to affairs is creating a shared world that includes:
• Rituals of connection (morning coffee, evening check-ins)
• Shared values
• Shared dreams
• A sense of “we”

When couples feel like they are building something meaningful together, outside temptations lose their appeal.

“Affair-proofing is not about control—it’s about connection. The more secure and understood each partner feels, the less room there is for secrecy, fantasy bonding, or emotional drifting. Commitment is strengthened every time partners turn toward each other with openness, tenderness, and presence”

— Lisa Chen, LMFT Couples Therapist

8. When to Seek Gottman Couples Therapy

Consider getting support if you notice:
• Feeling disconnected or like roommates
• Frequent misunderstandings
• Emotional intimacy fading
• Difficulty resolving conflict
• A past betrayal impacting trust
• A growing emotional tie to someone outside the relationship

At Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy in Hermosa Beach, we specialize in Gottman therapy for trust, communication, and rebuilding intimacy.

FAQs

1. Does Gottman therapy actually help prevent affairs?
Yes. Gottman research shows that strengthening trust, emotional connection, and commitment dramatically lowers the risk of infidelity.

2. What’s the biggest predictor of an affair?
Emotional disconnection—not opportunity. Affairs grow in the gaps where needs go unseen or unspoken.

3. Can you rebuild trust after an affair?
Absolutely. With Gottman-informed therapy, many couples rebuild a stronger, more authentic marriage than they had before.