The Gottman Premarital Checklist: 20 Questions for Lasting Love

If you're engaged or planning to get engaged, now is the perfect time to check in on the foundation of your relationship. Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist and relationship researcher, has spent decades studying couples to uncover what makes marriages succeed—or falter. One of his key findings? Deep emotional connection and understanding before marriage make all the difference.

Premarital counseling is a powerful way to strengthen your relationship from the start. Having intentional conversations about meaningful topics not only brings you closer but also prepares you for a successful, thriving partnership.

Inspired by Gottman’s research, this premarital checklist offers 20 essential questions to help you build trust, intimacy, and a resilient marriage.

Why These Questions Matter

Gottman’s research shows that successful couples aren’t free from conflict—they’re skilled at navigating it together. The most resilient relationships are those where partners:

• Understand each other’s inner worlds

• Communicate effectively, even when it's hard

• Create rituals of connection and shared meaning

• Repair conflict with kindness and humility

• Build trust through everyday moments of turning toward each other

This checklist isn’t about having the “right” answers—it’s about deepening your emotional intimacy and laying a solid foundation for lifelong love.

20 Questions for Lasting Love

1. What does marriage mean to you?
Explore your expectations and values around commitment. According to Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory, couples with shared meaning and vision tend to be more satisfied and resilient.

2. How do you define trust, and how do we build it daily?
Discuss what makes each of you feel safe and supported. Trust is built in everyday moments—what Gottman calls “Sliding Door Moments,” when you choose to turn toward your partner’s needs.

3. What are your emotional needs, and how can I meet them?
This builds your “Love Maps”—your understanding of each other’s inner world. Couples who maintain detailed Love Maps are better equipped to handle stress, change, and conflict.

4. How do we handle conflict, and how can we improve?
Conflict is inevitable. The key is to approach it with a Soft Startup and learn how to repair. Gottman found that the first three minutes of a conversation predict its outcome 96% of the time.

5. What role does money play in our relationship?
Talk openly about finances, habits, and goals. Financial disagreements are common, but the real issue is often differing values. Understanding each other’s money mindset is key.

6. What relationship patterns did you learn growing up?
Reflect on how your family history shapes your approach to love and conflict. Awareness of emotional patterns can break unhealthy cycles and foster empathy.

7. What does intimacy mean to you?
Discuss your needs around physical affection and emotional closeness. Gottman’s research shows that emotional disconnection—not just sexual issues—is often at the root of intimacy problems.

8. How do you prefer to give and receive love?
Identify your “bids for connection” and love languages. Recognizing and responding to bids helps maintain emotional closeness and prevent disconnection.

9. How do we balance independence and togetherness?
Clarify how much space each of you needs and how you stay connected. Healthy relationships honor both autonomy and emotional closeness.

10. What boundaries do we want around social media and friendships?
Set clear expectations around privacy, trust, and outside relationships. Gottman emphasizes that clearly defined boundaries build lasting trust.

11. What are your dreams for the next 5–10 years?
Create a shared vision for your future. Supporting each other’s dreams and goals is a key component of long-term relationship satisfaction.

12. Do you want children, and how do you imagine parenting?
Talk openly about hopes, roles, and values. Parenting differences often fall into the category of “perpetual problems,” which require ongoing dialogue and mutual respect.

13. How do you cope with stress, and how can I support you?
Practice emotional attunement by listening with empathy and asking open-ended questions. This deepens connection during life’s inevitable ups and downs.

14. What role does spirituality or religion play in your life?
Understand and respect each other’s beliefs. It’s not differences in faith that harm relationships—it’s a lack of mutual respect and open communication.

15. What rituals or traditions are important to you?
Create meaningful routines that strengthen your bond. Whether it’s Sunday dinners or a morning hug, rituals of connection foster emotional security.

16. How will we handle holidays and family boundaries?
Avoid future conflict by setting expectations early. Couples who present a united front and communicate about extended family boundaries report greater relationship satisfaction.

17. What are our roles around household chores and career decisions?
Talk about fairness and flexibility. It’s not about a 50/50 split—it’s about mutual respect and a willingness to adapt as life evolves.

18. How will we support each other during hard times?
Build resilience together. Couples who stay emotionally connected during stress are better equipped to face life’s challenges.

19. What do apologies and forgiveness look like for you?
Successful relationships require the ability to repair after hurt. Learning how to say “I was wrong” and mean it, builds long-term trust.

20. How do we keep our marriage growing over time?
Plan for continued growth through curiosity, shared experiences, and intentional connection. Love that lasts is built—not found.

Therapist Tip

This isn’t about checking boxes or getting it “right.” It’s about creating a safe space where you both feel heard, understood, and valued.

Couples who engage in these conversations before marriage are doing essential preventive work. Research shows that premarital counseling significantly reduces divorce risk and improves emotional intelligence, communication, and trust.

Try These Conversation Tips:

• Set aside uninterrupted time (think: coffee date or cozy dinner)

• Be curious, not critical

• Take turns answering and ask follow-up questions

• Speak honestly and listen with empathy

• Consider revisiting topics with a therapist for deeper support

Love Is a Choice You Build Together

The most successful marriages don’t happen by accident—they’re built with intention, one day at a time. By asking these questions now, you’re investing in a future filled with connection, friendship, and lasting love.

Ready to deepen your connection?

Start with just one question tonight and see where the conversation leads.

If you’re interested in personalized support, I’d be honored to help. Book a free 15-minute consultation to explore how premarital counseling can help you build a strong, loving foundation for the future.

Jessica Slavin is offering compassionate, evidence-based couples therapy virtually for clients residing in California.