How do I know if Lisa Chen & Associates is the right fit for me?

We offer a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation. It's a chance to get to know us, understand our approach, and see if we align with your needs. The purpose of an initial consultation is to determine if you are a good fit for working together. You can expect a 15–20 minute conversation where you will have the opportunity to share your concerns, goals, and what you hope to achieve through therapy. This is also a chance for you to ask questions and get a sense of the therapist's approach and personality.

Our fees range from $180 to $350 per 50-minute session based on the clinician's experience, specialized training, and services provided. Lisa Chen's fees are $350 per 50-minute session for both individual and couples counseling. Licensed Client Session fees are $200 for individual and $225 for couples counseling per 50-minute session. Associate Clinician fees are $180 for individual and $200 for couples counseling per 50-minute session. We also reserve spots for clients requesting a sliding-scale rate to accommodate financial needs.

Do you accept insurance?

Lisa Chen & Associates are out-of-network providers. We provide monthly insurance statements ('Superbills') for you to seek partial reimbursement from your insurance company according to your policy. For questions about your out-of-network benefits, please contact your insurance carrier before scheduling.

What is your cancellation policy?

Weekly clients are allowed 3 free cancellations every 6 months, and bi-weekly clients are allowed 2 free cancellations every 6 months, beginning from the date of your first session. You will be responsible for payment for your normally scheduled session time for all cancelled appointments beyond this. Please provide at least 48 hours' notice for cancellations. You may always choose to reschedule and/or take sessions virtually to accommodate occasional scheduling conflicts.

How often should I expect to meet?

We recommend weekly therapy sessions for optimal progress. However, there are times when clients prefer to meet twice a week for more complex challenges. During your initial phone consultation, let us know if you are interested in more frequent sessions.

Are you offering in-person sessions?

Yes, we are seeing clients in our South Bay office located at 2615 Pacific Coast Highway, Suite 326, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. We also offer telehealth sessions for California residents.

How do I get started with counseling?

The first step is to schedule an initial consultation by calling our office or submitting the contact form on our website. This allows us to understand your needs and match you with the best therapist for your situation. From there, we'll work with you to schedule ongoing sessions.

Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Keep Finding Each Other (And How to Break the Pattern)

Quick Summary

Anxious and avoidant partners often feel magnetically drawn to one another—then stuck in a painful loop of emotional misattunement. At Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy, we help couples in Los Angeles and St. Augustine understand the deeper attachment roots of their relationship dynamics. This blog explores why anxious and avoidant styles attract, how the cycle plays out, and what it takes to create secure connection—even if you’ve been stuck for years.

👉 Take our free attachment style quiz for couples to discover your unique pairing and what to do about it.

Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Keep Finding Each Other

(And How to Break the Pattern)

If you’ve ever found yourself saying, “I always end up in the same kind of relationship,” you’re not imagining it. For many people, the problem isn’t bad luck or lack of compatibility. It’s attachment—specifically, how your nervous system has learned to survive closeness and distance.

And one of the most common patterns we see in couples therapy is the anxious–avoidant pairing:

One partner craves closeness, reassurance, and emotional availability.
The other protects themselves by needing space, independence, and emotional control.

“This is one of the most common—but most misunderstood—relationship patterns I see. It’s not that you’re incompatible. You’re caught in a nervous system mismatch that’s trying to protect you both.”

— Lisa Chen, LMFT Couples Therapist in Hermosa Beach and St. Augustine, FL

At first, it can feel electric. But over time, this dynamic becomes exhausting—for both people.

The Emotional Pattern Beneath the Surface

Anxious and avoidant individuals are often drawn together unconsciously. This isn’t about logic or preference—it’s about what feels familiar and activating at a nervous system level.

The anxious partner is often attuned to abandonment.
The avoidant partner is often attuned to engulfment.
Together, they recreate the very tension they experienced in early relationships: being too close is unsafe, but being too far is unbearable.

The anxious partner often had caregiving that was inconsistent—sometimes warm, sometimes unavailable. Love felt unpredictable, so they learned to hyper-attune to cues, chase connection, and internalize rejection.

The avoidant partner often experienced emotional distance, neglect, or pressure to suppress their needs. They learned to rely on themselves and view vulnerability as risky or even shameful.

So when these two styles meet, there’s a deep unconscious recognition:
“This feels like home.”
But it’s not a safe home—it’s a familiar one.

“Anxious and avoidant styles often come from childhood survival strategies. The problem isn’t your love—it’s the legacy of what love once meant for your body and brain.”

— Lisa Chen, LMFT Couples Therapist

Why the Dynamic Feels So Powerful (and So Draining)

Here’s why this dynamic feels so intense:

Anxious partners crave closeness—and their system spikes when connection is threatened.
Avoidant partners crave safety through distance—and their system spikes when intimacy feels overwhelming.
Each partner’s protective strategy directly triggers the other’s attachment wound.

This is how the cycle forms:

The anxious partner reaches out → the avoidant partner withdraws
The avoidant partner withdraws → the anxious partner panics and escalates
Repeat

No one is wrong. But both are caught in a loop that reenacts old emotional pain.

Why This Keeps Repeating—Even After a Breakup

You might wonder: If it’s so painful, why do I keep choosing this dynamic?

Because until it’s named and healed, your nervous system is still looking for resolution.
Anxious partners often hope that this time, the other person will stay.
Avoidant partners often hope they won’t feel overwhelmed or trapped.

It’s not about attraction to dysfunction—it’s about an unconscious effort to rewrite the story.

Unfortunately, without awareness, this pattern just repeats. You keep finding familiar nervous systems—not necessarily compatible ones.

Can You Make It Work?

Yes. But not just with better communication.

Breaking the cycle requires nervous system regulation, not just conflict skills.
Here’s what healing often includes:

Understanding your attachment system: Learn your triggers, not just your tendencies.
Learning co-regulation: Practice being present with each other without activating panic or shutdown.
Repairing emotional ruptures: Use moments of disconnection to rebuild trust, not reinforce old fears.
Working with a therapist: Especially one who understands trauma, attachment, and nervous system pacing.

“I work with couples who are deeply capable, deeply caring—and totally stuck in their attachment patterns. With the right pace and presence, you can build a secure relationship, even if it’s never felt safe before.”

— Lisa Chen, LMFT Attachment Specialist

At Lisa Chen & Associates, we don’t just teach couples how to “fight fair.” We help them recognize the emotional blueprint behind the fight—and transform it.

You’re Not Doomed. You’re Just Wired for Survival.

Anxious–avoidant couples aren’t broken—they’re just unregulated.
If this is your pattern, know this: the fight isn’t about who’s wrong. It’s about two people trying to feel safe—in completely opposite ways.

With support, both partners can learn to recognize the cycle, soften their defenses, and connect in new, secure ways.

👉 Take the quiz to uncover your attachment pairing
👉 Explore couples therapy in Hermosa Beach or St. Augustine

FAQs

1. Why do anxious and avoidant people attract each other?
They activate each other’s unmet emotional needs from childhood. Anxious individuals fear abandonment; avoidant individuals fear engulfment. Together, they replay familiar dynamics—often hoping for a different outcome.

2. Is it possible to have a healthy relationship in an anxious–avoidant pairing?
Yes, with mutual awareness and emotional regulation. Many couples shift to secure connection with the right support and intentional repair.

3. How do I know if I’m anxious or avoidant in relationships?
Take our free quiz to discover your attachment style combo—and start understanding the patterns that keep you stuck.

At Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy, we help anxious–avoidant couples break the cycle and build secure, lasting connection—whether you’re navigating emotional shutdowns, fear of abandonment, or just feeling exhausted from trying so hard.

We work with clients throughout Los Angeles (Hermosa Beach) and Florida (St. Augustine), offering both in-person and telehealth sessions tailored to your relational dynamic.

Whether you’re a couple in startup stress mode, a high-achieving professional who can’t stay emotionally present, or an HSP struggling with intense relational anxiety, you don’t have to do this alone.