Cover page of a book titled "60 Questions to Know Your Partner" by Lisa Chen, LMFT. The subtitle reads "The deeper your map of each other, the stronger your relationship." The website lisachentherapy.com is at the bottom.

Gottman Love Maps: 60 Questions to Know Your Partner

A Guide to Deepening Emotional Intimacy Through Curiosity

By Lisa Chen, LMFT | Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy | Hermosa Beach, CA

Most couples don’t lose connection all at once.

They lose it gradually, in the small details they stop asking about, the inner worlds they stop updating, and the assumptions they begin to make instead of checking.

You can love someone deeply and still stop really knowing them.

That is why Love Maps matter.

In Gottman Method couples therapy, a Love Map is your mental picture of your partner’s inner world. Their stressors, their hopes, their history, their preferences, the things that matter to them right now. Couples with richer Love Maps tend to be better equipped to handle stress, conflict, and change together.

This guide helps you build that map again.

Inside, you’ll find 60 questions designed to help you better understand your partner, from everyday preferences to deeper fears, dreams, and emotional realities. The guide also includes a simple, game-like structure: take turns asking, answering, and seeing how much you already know.

This is not about getting every answer right.

It is about staying curious. Because intimacy is not built on assumptions. It is built on ongoing discovery.

Download Free Lovemap

Lisa Chen, LMFT California License #140374

Close-up portrait of a woman with long brown hair, smiling, resting her chin on her hand, wearing a black shirt, against a neutral background.

Lisa Chen is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy in Hermosa Beach, California. She specializes in high-achieving professionals navigating burnout, anxiety, trauma, and relationship strain, and holds advanced training in EMDR, Internal Family Systems, and Gottman Method Couples Therapy. Her clinical approach is informed by a prior career in corporate finance and Wall Street trading, including education at The Wharton School and Harvard Business School. She provides individual and couples therapy in person in the South Bay and via telehealth throughout California.

Read full bio· Meet the full team

Quick Summary

What Is a Gottman Love Map?

A Gottman Love Map is the detailed picture you hold of your partner’s inner world: what they are worried about this week, who matters to them, what they are hoping for, what a good day looks like to them. John Gottman found that couples with rich Love Maps handle stress, conflict and big changes better, because they are not guessing at each other. You build one by asking questions and staying curious about the answers, and the questions on this page are where most couples start.

If you want to deepen communication in a more intentional way, couples therapy at Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy can help.

Who This Guide Is For

This guide was created for couples who want to feel more connected by knowing each other more deeply. It is especially helpful if you are:

Emotional Disconnection

Feeling like you still love each other, but have become more logistical than emotionally connected.

Surface-Level Conversations

Talking every day, but mostly about schedules, tasks, or what needs to get done.

Reconnection

Wanting a simple but meaningful way to feel closer again after stress, conflict, or distance.

Premarital or Early Relationship

Building a strong foundation by learning more about each other before deeper patterns set in.

Couples Therapy Support

Doing Gottman-informed couples therapy and wanting a practical tool to use between sessions.

High-Functioning Couples

Doing well outwardly but wanting more intimacy, curiosity, and emotional depth in the relationship.

This guide is not a substitute for professional care. If you are ready to go deeper, we are here.

Love Map Example: What a Completed Love Map Looks Like

Before you begin, here’s what you’re building. This is a simplified example. Yours will be more personal, and it will keep changing as your partner does.

Example of a completed Gottman Love Map showing a partner's friends, stresses, hopes, and favorite things

How to Build a Love Map Together

Take turns. One partner reads a question and the other answers. If the reader already knew the answer, they earn the points. Questions range from +1 (easy) to +5 (core), so the deeper the question, the more it’s worth.

Play for 15 to 20 minutes, then switch roles. Keep score if you like, or just enjoy the conversation. When an answer surprises you, stay with it and ask, “What was that like for you?”

The Gottman Love Map Questions

Take turns. One of you reads a question, the other answers, and the reader says what they already knew. Points are in parentheses, from +1 (easy) to +5 (core). Twenty minutes a week is plenty.

Everyday details
  1. Where was I born? (+1)
  2. When is my birthday? (+1)
  3. Date of our anniversary? (+1)
  4. Favorite color? (+1)
  5. Which side of the bed do I prefer? (+2)
  6. Favorite website? (+2)
  7. Favorite meal? (+2)
  8. Favorite ice cream flavor? (+2)
  9. Foods I hate? (+2)
  10. One of my favorite desserts? (+2)
  11. Favorite restaurant? (+2)
Favorites
  1. Favorite musical group or composer? (+2)
  2. Favorite movie? (+2)
  3. Favorite TV show? (+2)
  4. Favorite song? (+2)
  5. Favorite novel? (+2)
  6. Favorite holiday? (+2)
  7. Favorite vacation? (+2)
  8. Favorite sport? (+2)
  9. Favorite sports team? (+2)
  10. Favorite animal? (+2)
  11. Favorite magazine? (+2)
Friends, family and people
  1. Name two of my closest friends. (+2)
  2. Who is my favorite relative? (+2)
  3. Least favorite relative? (+3)
  4. Best childhood friend? (+3)
  5. Greatest source of support (other than you)? (+3)
  6. Name two people I most admire. (+4)
  7. Name one of my major rivals. (+3)
  8. Of people we both know, who do I like the least? (+3)
  9. What kind of present would I like best? (+2)
Stress and support
  1. What stresses am I facing right now? (+4)
  2. Name one of my concerns or worries. (+4)
  3. Medical problems I worry about? (+2)
  4. What do I fear most? (+4)
  5. One of my greatest fears? (+3)
  6. What am I most sad about? (+4)
  7. One of my favorite ways to relax? (+4)
  8. Most embarrassing moment? (+3)
  9. Describe in detail what I did today or yesterday. (+4)
  10. Important upcoming events, and how do I feel about them? (+4)
History and meaning
  1. What was I wearing when we first met? (+2)
  2. Best childhood experience? (+2)
  3. Worst childhood experience? (+3)
  4. Name one of my hobbies. (+3)
  5. What do I most like to do with time off? (+2)
  6. Favorite weekend activity? (+2)
  7. Favorite way to spend an evening? (+2)
  8. Favorite ways to work out? (+2)
  9. My dream getaway place? (+3)
  10. What kinds of books do I most like? (+3)
Hopes and dreams
  1. What is my fondest unrealized dream? (+5)
  2. Two of my aspirations or deepest wishes? (+4)
  3. Do I have a secret ambition? What is it? (+4)
  4. What would I consider my dream job? (+4)
  5. Personal improvements I want to make? (+4)
  6. What makes me feel most competent? (+4)
  7. Favorite time of day for lovemaking? (+3)
  8. What turns me on sexually? (+3)

Prefer paper? The printable version has every question with its point value, ready to print and play.

Download the Printable Questions (Free PDF)

Want help having these conversations? Lisa Chen & Associates offers Gottman-informed couples therapy in Hermosa Beach and online across California.

Book a free 20-minute consultation

The Ten-Question Version

If you only have ten minutes, these ten cover the most ground, one or two from each group:

  1. Name two of my closest friends.
  2. What stresses am I facing right now?
  3. What is my fondest unrealized dream?
  4. One of my favorite ways to relax?
  5. Greatest source of support (other than you)?
  6. Important upcoming events, and how do I feel about them?
  7. What do I fear most?
  8. Name two people I most admire.
  9. Two of my aspirations or deepest wishes?
  10. What do I most like to do with time off?

Frequently Asked Questions

What are Gottman Love Maps?

Love Maps are your mental picture of your partner’s inner world, including their stressors, preferences, hopes, and fears.

How do Love Maps help relationships?

They help couples stay emotionally updated, which strengthens connection and makes navigating stress and conflict easier.

How should couples use these questions?

Take turns asking and answering. The goal is curiosity, not perfection.

How often should we do Love Map questions?

Weekly works well for most couples. Fifteen to twenty minutes of distraction-free time is enough.

What if we get a lot of answers wrong?

That’s normal and useful. People change, and wrong answers show you where to get curious again.

What are the 10 questions Gottman asks to build a Love Map?

Gottman’s original Love Map exercise uses a short set of questions about your partner’s friends, stresses, dreams and favorite things, scored by how much you already know. There is no single official list of ten; the ten-question version above is a starter set drawn from the same areas, and the full list covers everything the exercise is meant to reach.

What is the Gottman 777 rule?

The 777 rule is a popular shorthand, not a Gottman research finding: a date every 7 days, a night away every 7 weeks, a week away every 7 months. The idea underneath it, protected time for the relationship, is sound. Love Map questions are a good use of the weekly date.

Are Love Maps the same as the 36 questions that make people fall in love?

No. The 36 questions come from a 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron on building closeness between strangers. Love Maps are for people already in a relationship and are about keeping your knowledge of each other current. The two overlap in spirit, and some couples enjoy both.

What questions should I ask myself when building a Love Map?

Start with what you assume. Where do you fill in your partner’s answers without checking? When did you last ask about their week rather than report on yours? What has changed for them in the last year that you have not caught up on? Those gaps are where the map needs redrawing.

Can Love Maps help if we are already distant or fighting?

They help most when the distance is from neglect rather than hurt. If every question turns into an argument, or one of you cannot answer without resentment, that is a sign the repair needs more than a worksheet. That is what Gottman-informed couples therapy is for, and a couples intensive compresses the first stretch of that work into a day or two. We see couples in person in Hermosa Beach, including couples from Torrance and Redondo Beach, and online across California.

Want help having these conversations? Lisa Chen & Associates offers Gottman-informed couples therapy in Hermosa Beach and online across California.

Book a free 20-minute consultation

When This Feels Hard

Sometimes these questions are harder than they look.

You can't find the time. Start with ten minutes. Short and regular beats long and rare.
It feels vulnerable. Begin with the easier questions and work up to the deeper ones.
You assume you already know. Long-term partners often stop asking. Ask anyway.
You got more wrong than you expected. That isn't failure. It means your partner has grown, and your map needs updating.

If these questions bring up distance or hurt that's hard to talk about alone, that's often where couples therapy helps most.

Find Me a Therapist

Continue the Work

The practices in this guide are most effective when supported by skilled clinical care.

At Lisa Chen & Associates, we offer evidence-based approaches for individuals and couples throughout Los Angeles and California.

This guide is a clinical educational resource produced by Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy and is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment. If you are in crisis, please contact the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by calling or texting 988.

Published March 2026 · Last reviewed October 2026

© 2026 Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy, Hermosa Beach, CA · For personal use only · Not for redistribution · California LMFT License #140374